if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
