I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
