My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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