Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
