"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
