Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
