I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
