if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
