In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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