If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
