i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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