you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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