Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I can't trust your balls anymore.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
false alarm, still single
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
