Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize