There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
