Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
