Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
