The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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