Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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