I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
