you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize