You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
