dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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