My sheets look like a crime scene.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Randomize
