I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize