I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
