Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize