you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
