I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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