Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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