I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
