fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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