If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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