I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
