my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
