You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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