your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
someone owes me an orgasm
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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