His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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