My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
When are your genitals available?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
