I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
