Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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