Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
don't judge my taste in strippers
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
