I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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