Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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