Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
