im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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