I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
