I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize