Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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