She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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