I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Randomize
