what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
