I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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