I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
