My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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