I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
