Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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