i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
