Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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