You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize