wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
