I can tuck mytits in my pants
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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