I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
