It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
