I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
