Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
